Porn and Politics.

This post consists of a satire that I wrote for an assignment in my English class. It's not extremely polished, and I would like to expand some of the ideas I introduce within it more, but for now I feel it post-worthy. I think that my actual ideological bias is pretty obvious, but I hope that doesn't detract from the underlying message. Oh yeah, and all the names used within=Porn stars. Enjoy:

AMERICA SPEAKS: PARTY TIME!
By: Jenna Haze .1/4/10

After a long, drawn out political feud last year during the election, one question lingered over the head of America: are the political parties responsible for aiding this battle worth it? And by it, America meant the many side effects caused by the existence of two major rivaling groups funded by the government. Naturally, the only way to find this answer was to ask the person asking it, so we here at European in These Waters News have ventured out and interviewed America him/her/itself.

After long, failed attempts to ask America’s actual substance, who decided to continue die from pollution, gradually lessen to the point where natural resources would be gone, and generally serve as exploited tools for advanced primates rather than answer out questions, the people of America were instead asked.

Naturally, the interviewed persons were primarily those who were heavily involved in political party activity, because they would know the most about the actual going-ons and benefits of parties. Jeremy Steel, a self-proclaimed “Hardcore Republican” was among the first to give a small amount of insight into political parties’ benefits. “Well, I think we be good at uniting to give those hippy-faggots a fuckin’ what-fur” said Steel, glued to his TV screen illuminated by FOX news. “They tryin’ to take away my right to smoke in public, invading my personal liberties and such, and I’ll be a damn fool if that’s what America stands for. Fuck this Socialist Commie Shit.”

Obviously, political parties are indeed necessary to preserve the true spirit of America, which is to allow numerous people to commit a slow suicide while spreading cancer to others. Plus, who wouldn’t agree that “hippy-faggots” deserve a “what-fur?”

Not thoroughly convinced, however, we asked Steel’s neighbor/cousin/sister/ex-wife Ricky White to explain her devotion to the Republican Party. After locating her at the local pond dumping her used oil, White explained “it juss makes me feel right, and makes them other people wrong. My party’s best function is to show the world who’s good and who’s evil.”

This response offered more insight into how valuable political parties are, as they reveal all of who is good and who is evil in the world. They turn life into an action flick, with a battle between the two sides really ending with what could be relief for the world or utter chaos. America needs to be divided along these lines, because the people as a whole would be a good-evil mix that may balance out for the better, and there needs to be one perfect race instead. Quite obviously this sentiment was shared by the Nazi party as well, though we could not contact a member for an interview to confirm this assertion.

After the enlightening information received from these two fine citizens, our searches were turned towards the Democratic Party. After the last bit of information we gathered, every precaution was taken so that we would not to be swayed by the evil views of this festering mass of negativity, and proceeded to find a few of these vile beings. Easily identifiable by the sign commonly referred to as a peace sign, the first of the Democrats we found was Ms. Sasha Grey, a 20-something woman who was very assertive about her party beliefs, even though we informed her they were in fact evil. “What do you mean, evil?” she shouted when we told her, “I only believe that what I do is for the betterment of everyone. The people that don’t like it can go screw themselves.”

Evil or not, this stance was interesting. A party, undoubtedly pitted against the other, was trying to do something good for everyone? This was an obvious falsity, as it is common knowledge that to make something better for a group of people, all in that group must be consulted. This party, with their pseudo-loving ways was trying to force their ideas on America, and that must be evil.

Peter North was the other Democrat who we subjected to questioning. We had seen his movies, and finding him on the streets was pure luck. When asked about his orientation, North was quick to admit that he was a Democrat, once again surprising us about how open evildoers were about their plans. “I think that my party is the only way to get a lot of things done. We need to squash the evil, oppressive Republican Party that was to prohibit our rights, like a woman’s right to a partial-birth abortion.”

This comment shocked us once more. Everything that we had learned had been flipped around: the Republicans were evil? The two sides did seem to agree that killing something in some way, shape, or form was an inalienable right, though they did not agree on which method was the best. The parties still separated the good from the evil, but after the unfaltering word of Peter North, which side was which seemed less clear than before. Either way, this division was a positive step in the advancement of America.

For good measure, we asked an independent what they thought about the two major political parties. However, as no one cares about the opinion of those who are neither good nor evil, we lost the interview information from this session and will summarize it with this statement: “Political parties are a deterrent to America’s well-being, and are simply the equivalent of the political machines found in America’s past. Both parties are just modern day forms of Boss Tweed and Tammany Hall.” However, this statement seems to be very ambiguous and less to the point than our other interviewees. What the reference to the Duke Of Hazard does (Boss Hog, idiot), we aren’t quite sure.

Ultimately, parties were found to be quite worth the struggle. They presented a war of good and evil that was fostering America’s growth by…doing something. The battle raged on, and although it is not clear which side is which, it is clear that the United States of America are divided. Political parties are thus a necessary establishment, just like college parties: they show the world what really matters, which is misspelled texts, screaming phone calls, half-reasoned fights, and a whole score of other things that people would not do unless intoxicated, be it from power or alcohol.